Getting to Know Myself

Sunset taken somewhere near by my apartment.
6th of August

This is a post inspired by a blog post, "Getting To Know Myself", written by one of my mates, Edna. She, like me, went abroad to study language and fulfill part of our seemingly ambitious dream. She made it to Seoul, Korea, and I made it to Tokyo, Japan. She is now back in Singapore doing youtube videos (username bloodfest91) , mainly dance covers. Go check her out if you like kpop!

A few days ago, I had this conversation with one of my best friends, Pauline, aka my mentor. I was updating her with some of my plans, how I feel about certain things, my thoughts, people whom I've met and the things that happened since the last time we've talked. She just commented that I've grown up. Like, more than before, which makes me really happy. She also said that comparing with, perhaps, my peers, I might be one of those few who mature, mentally, faster. I can't disagree on that because I really can't find any of my friends who are of my age, who could give me the advices I need in life. Most of the time, they would either just say, 'good luck! I know you can do it', or 'I see. Knowing you, you'll be able to overcome it'. I'm honestly really thankful to have that mental support but I would prefer if there was a direction given. Like a legit advice based on experience. Like, if I were to choose this path what might be the possible outcome? I need such advices because I don't have room to make unnecessary mistakes. I'm an adult and I have to be responsible for my own choices. That is life and I accept that challenge.

After coming to Tokyo, Japan, for about a year and a half, I realized that I learnt to like myself a lot better. I still have insecurities but they are slowly getting better. These are the few things that I've realized and fully accepted.

I'm going to embrace inner beauty
An interesting personality and a kind heart is thousand times better than someone who has a hot body. When I was younger, I am always insecure about how I looked. People around me are always taller than 5ft 1, nicer facial features, popular, pretty and have tons of boyfriends. I was always the outcast. I am always the short one, has the 'always pissed off' look, not popular, always the cute but not the pretty and no boyfriends. Working in the AKBcafe in Singapore did not really help either because being in front of the public eyes can be quite intimidating. Also, I'm working with people who are much more prettier and cuter than I am. So I tried really hard to dress up to be 'pretty' and 'cute'. But that didn't really work out.

On that one fateful day, I realized that no one really cares. I'm average, that's totally cool. I'm 5ft 1, so what? At least it gives me all the reason to wear high heels and mini skirts! And, there are more important things than all the other superficial things in life. Besides, looks can be deceiving. I really think that if anyone who has an interesting personality will instantly get my attention. Someone who has charisma just seems more attractive. Instead of trying to look pretty, I'm now aiming to have more self-confidence. Like, having a confident smile and improve my interpersonal skills! I believe that is very important to help me succeed in life. Besides, one day I'll grow old too and that outer beauty won't last. I'd rather have a inner beauty that can last me until the day of my death bed. At least people will be able to say nicer things on the day of my funeral.

I'm ready to commit myself into a relationship
I won't say I 'need' a boyfriend but I do 'want' a boyfriend now. When I say I want a boyfriend, it simply means I'm ready to have another commitment in life and extra responsibility. I did manage to have a few relationships but none of them worked out. They were really short relationships too. Looking back, I think it was because I just have too many goals that I want to achieve at that point to really want to commit to anything. I use to think that relationships can hold me back from achieving what I want. Also, I believe that since I can't handle and be responsible for myself and my own life, how can I be responsible for my other half? I mean, I won't want a relationship where it's too one sided, where the boyfriend will be doing all the giving and I'm just receiving all the care and love. A balanced relationship where there is give and take, seems to be much more enjoyable and longer-lasting. I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of it.

Just recently, I realized that I am pretty contented with my life and I am much more responsible than before. Also, I have completed almost half of my life ambitions and perhaps, dropped a few. I'm just left with the final few goals which is attainable with or without a boyfriend. And, since I can handle most part of my life pretty well, I'm ready to take on that extra responsibility to take care and share my life with the significant other. But, I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down and have a family because that's a totally different story. But with that said, I'm also not going to settle just for any person. A little old and traditional but I hope that my future boyfriend will be 'the one'.

I am starting to accept everything about myself
Recently, I've learnt to embrace the positive and negative traits about myself. I use to 'try' to have a different personas and see which one suits me more. That's also why I had so many different nicknames before. (Ahh... so embarrassing! （*/∇＼*）) I tried to dress differently and act differently to fit in with the people around me. I also hated my name and how 'young' I looked from my actual age. There are many things I hated but I'm not going to list them down because it's embarrassing. I also have so many negative traits about myself that I've tried to change. Note: tried.

I have officially outgrown and learnt to accept and love my real name. Chisaki is the most recent name and the second name that I've stuck to for a long time because of work and people say it's much easier to remember. I've decided to come clean and tell people my real name. Also, I mentioned before, I've learnt to accept how I look. Instead of disliking how 'young' I look from my actual age, I should totally embrace the youth that I still have because I'm not going to get any younger. And, I learnt to not hate and accept people for their differences, look at everything at a holistic view and think like an anthropologist. As for my bad traits, I'm still lazy, not very smart and also indecisive. But to counter that, I know that I am passionate and hardworking. Instead of saying I'm stubborn, I'll say I'm a determined. Even though some can sound pretty bad, but they are still part of what makes me who I am. If I don't start to love me for who I am, how can anyone else like me for who I am too? See why point number #2 comes into play? Yes. :)

***

I think there are still quite a lot of things I've realized but I can't think of any now. I'm also not going to stop finding and improving myself. This is perhaps the beginning of the next stage in my life. I'm not sure what stage exactly but I know I'm moving forward. All of these are part of what it means to 'grow up and know myself' right?

PS: I've just completed Kirigakure Kuroudo's story in the Otome Game called "Shinobi Koiutsutsu" 「忍び恋うつつ」. I'm still thinking if I should do a review of it. It might expose my inner otaku fangirl. Haha. Ciaos.