It's almost 4am here.

12/08/2013

It’s late but I just packed my luggage getting ready to fly back to Tokyo. The trip back home started out bad and awkward because I had to get use to the culture back at home and it’s something I didn't really like about but I got use to it after a few days. But it's "home" we're talking about so it's easier.

In the middle of the trip, I met up with all those people who I can talk trash with and talk serious shit about and the trip became really meaningful though I haven't really found an answer but I can say I sorta freshen up and stuff. I hope I'm ready to continue this tough road again. lols. OTL.

My luggage is heavy and I have to hand carry my clothes up the plane and another bag with my laptop and all the important stuff. What a journey it will be when I land in the airport and battle with the weight of the luggage back to the dormitory. I’m not looking forward to it.

Staying alone in another country is no joke. In another culture and being with friends who is also from a different culture. It’s like having to juggle 2 cultures at one go and having to perfect 2 different languages at one time. Having to adjust to the languages and translating back to the language you are better at and more comfortable with so you'd really understand what they are trying to say, it’s really tiring. But looking at the bright side, I can officially speak 3 languages, though I'm master of none and still pretty bad at the other 2, but in my opinion, it's better than nothing.

I don't want to give a shit anymore if anyone tells me my chinese sounds like it's from China. Chinese/Mandarin originated from there so at least I'm speaking it the proper and right way. Shouldn't you be ashamed that you're not speaking the language properly? Looking bad at my chinese previously, it's so bad I feel like slapping myself for not learning it properly when I was younger. And come on, free lessons everyday? lols. Not something you get all the time either.

If anyone thinks I'm not working hard enough, I'd say "screw you". You're not in my shoes to say that. I have to juggle so many more, also I'm not doing very well in my academics either. Also, you have to self motivate you when almost everything is not exactly working out the way you want and you're all alone in a tiny 17m^2 room. It's pretty depressing if you ask me.

But then again, why would anyone in their right mind would want to leave their comfort zone. Having a nice comfortable home and everything you need? Well, that's something I question myself once in awhile when I'm in Japan. It got more frequent when I had slight walking depression. I read about this earlier today on facebook. Most of the symptoms matched so I guess it's pretty much it. I'm really thankful I managed to pull through or it can get really bad.

A bittersweet trip back home. I'm starting to miss all my friends knowing I’m going to leave them again. But I can't deny I also miss my friends in Japan though I think they don't really miss me as much as I do.

Once I grow attach to someone or something, I just can't let it go so easily. Sometimes I really hate that part of myself. That is why I don't really want to be in a relationship. Besides all the extra commitments and responsibility, if I’m not able to be with that person, I'll start missing that person and I’ll start to feel like shit. I hate to feel like shit. I just want to be happy. No really. I really just want to be happy. That’s pretty much my motto in life right now.

Try asking me what do I want to do with me life, I'll just keep telling you the same answer. I'm envious of people who know what they want to do. Someone like Niku. I just realised he is someone who I always want to be. Similarly to why I love Taka so much that I always tell people, "hey, that's my husband. Pretty cool guy huh?". I look up to him so much.

I'm not sure if it's just plain admiration or some sort of other attraction. Y'know, the word that starts with "L". Something until now that I'm still afraid to venture. Man, I'm not even sure when will the flower bloom. Looking at some of my friends, getting married or almost getting married sort of relationship. It does somewhat make one envious of the other. I mean, look at their smiles. Couldn't get any wider than that.

Oh? Wondering why I'm not asleep? Well, I think it's because I'm really nervous on going back Tokyo. As much as I want, I'm also not really looking forward to it. I'm not really sure if I'm ready for all that stress and jazz.

This post is a little special. It's just simply me typing as I go through my thoughts. Some sort of reflection on this whole week and such. Like, finally getting my thoughts straightened up and just plain ranting and stuff. This probably isn't the full story and probably some are repetitive. But yes, this post is so easily written, I feel proud about myself. Usually I can't write properly because I'm always thinking of how people would judge me and stuff. I know, it's lame but it's just the insecurities acting up time and time again. It's inevitable.

I shall head to bed now. I'll write again soon. That is also when I'm back in Tokyo. Good night and Good morning to some. Cheers.