Tuesday 26 May 2015

Fucking Terrified


I don't know what I'm feeling half the time these days. When I think about my future, I get nervous and excited. Yet, I know deep down instead I'm terrified. Fucking terrified.

I look back at my photos of my life in Japan. It was brilliant. I love it. I love the people, I love what the culture can offer me, I love every single bit of it; The ups, the downs and the mundane days. But yet, I feel like breaking out of this place because I'm getting too attached, too accustomed to this place. 

The ambitious and adventurous side of me wants to go explore the other side of the world. The reticent and cautious side of me just wants to stay because why not? I'm not ignoring the fact that earthquakes are mighty scary, but that's mother nature. It's not something made up socially so it's all about getting use to it.

I'm thinking that because the path in front of me is full of uncertainties. Why would anyone is the right mind give up everything and start all over again? Especially starting over in a place where you've never been but only dreamed of?

Yet, I have this hunch that if I go on ahead and chase that rainbow on the other side of the world, I might actually be able to find what I want. I might be able to accomplish something. I mean, it's all about the journey, isn't it?

Y'know, I didn't feel this way when I was left with months or weeks before leaving for Japan. I guess it was because I didn't have anything. I was just starting out. I was trying to find my place in the world. Now that I  finally found a place in the world, It makes it a lot harder to step out again. Why? Because we, humans, seek stability.

I need to find more resolve for this journey or I'll get left behind. When will I find an answer to whatever I'm feeling right now? x

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