Decisions and realization.

Hello. It has been awhile, hasn't it? I haven't been feeling well mentally or physically. It's a constant struggle I've been having ever since I'm being made to come with a decision. But regardless of which I choose, I'll still be here for a year like how I set my goal before setting off. Let's put it simply as finishing what I set out to do.

Though honestly, I think I'm set on my answer after receiving the text message from my mom yesterday, I'm still trying to come to terms with it. As for what I'm going to do from now, is to enjoy this journey and continue to do what I set out to do. Since I've already did some irreversible choices, like taking up the exam and paying for it, and mind you it's not cheap.

I don't want to not disappoint my classmates so I'm going continue to walk with them this journey until the end. But you know, I wish they would take whatever I say seriously. Most probably my existence don't even mean anything to them. But I want to believe that I made an impact and "we were there", or at least whatever happened wasn't a dream and that everything is real and that memory will always be there and a part of us.

I try forgetting a lot of things but I realise that i can't. It can only be a memory locked up inside my brain and once in awhile, it will resurface and remind me of it. Though sometimes I wish it wouldn't. Everything that happened in my life, all left a scar in me. I'm always constantly worry that history will repeat itself. Though, people say that once you have the experience, you'll be able to handle it even better. I understand that very well. However, I wish I never have to go through that shit no matter how much better I can handle it. We all can wish and be dreamers right?

If you ask me, what do I want in life? Honestly, I'm still at a loss. I never did realize that until recently. I always thought I knew. Or maybe I did knew what I wanted and I've sort of accomplished it so I'm finding a new route. I don't think I can find it in such a short time though. As much as I don't want to disappoint anyone, I think I will somehow or rather.

The best support I can get from my friends ever was to hear them saying, "No matter what decisions you make, I'll support you." Though I say this to my friends, I really didn't know how strong those words can be. I guess we'll never know how it feels unless we go through it ourselves.

Just like how I realized after leaving home for this short period of time that how dear everyone I met is to me, and I never really hated anyone. Though sometimes I say I hate that person because of some lame reason which I can never recall afterwards.

I also realized that when one of my friends is sad, I would try my very best to want them to be happy again. Even if I can't, I will be sad with them so as to not let them feel alone. We can be sad together and be happy together. I just don't ever want them to feel alone because no one ever deserves to feel that way. Sometimes I do feel kind of silly to go all out for someone, but I really can't help feeling that way. I don't want to be selfish. I hope I'm not being selfish either.

With all that said, I'm have not come to a conclusion with my decision yet. In order to have more time to think through it, I'm going to buy it. As for how I'm going to do that, it's for you to find out yourself, or you can ask me, but it's up to me to give you an answer or not.

I'm really thankful a few of my friends stay up with me overnight on the phone giving me advices. I really needed it.

I hope you are doing well.